I’m sure you it has happened more than once where someone has said something or done something that has really upset you.
We are not perfect. We are only human. Mostly it is us and not Satan that creates problems. We are often our own worst enemy.
Most times people do not say or do things to each other out of
malice or hatred. Most times we act out of ignorance or
misunderstanding.
When someone says or does something to us we have the choice to …
React with our EMOTIONS (ego, pride, arrogance etc.)
Respond in LOVE (respect, kindness, humility etc.)
When we or the other person is stressed we/they are more likely to
react rather than respond. Our brain processes information differently
under stress. Often it is not what the other person says, but how it is
said both verbally and non-verbally. We all pick up feelings from the
person/people we are talking to.
What are our buttons that others push that make us react and not respond?
- Pride
- Ego
- Impatience
- Unforgiveness
- Someone says something that you are already know/am aware of ... "You need to …"
- Loss of a loved one
- Others putting down someone/something we love
- Something that has happened that has really upset us.
- Being verbally attacked
- Not listening to what the other person is saying
- Not being listened to. You know you are right.
- Other person is not listening
- Being controlled by the other person/people
- Illness/Disability
- Diet
- Loneliness
- Add your own …
How do we recognise we are stressed?
- Imagine the worst outcome in a situation
- Can't focus
- Impatience
- Confusion / feeling of being patronised
- Tired
- Don’t want to listen to others
- Unforgiveness
- Add your own …
How do we communicate to others when we are stressed?
- Demanding
- Criticising
- Arguing
- Shouting
- Crying
- Running away
- Throwing objects
- Hitting things/others
- Add your own …
How do others communicate to us when they are stressed?
- Demanding
- Criticising
- Arguing
- Shouting
- Crying
- Running away
- Throwing objects
- Hitting things/others
- Add your own …
Remember...
If we always look for love in others we may be disappointed. If we
have an unconditional love for others, we will fulfil our father’s
commandments and never be disappointed. The laws are designed to
protect us from each other. If we have love and respect for others
there will be no need for the laws. Unfortunately we are not perfect
and there will always be a need for laws.
Always look for the good in others. Don't gossip.
Make a list of their good points, no matter how small and encourage/build on those (you will be surprised at the results).
Let the person know how well they performed.
Strategies …
- Any disagreement requires two or more people.
- Be assertive (Assertive individuals are able to get their point across without upsetting others, or becoming upset themselves.)
- Respond to the other person/people. Don’t react.
- Count to 10 before responding
- Be humble: Pride, Ego etc. often get in the way.
- Respect the other person: This is hard to do if we are/have been hurt.
- Be patient: Wait for the other person to have their say.
- Be kind: Do not accuse/blame the person.
- Do not judge according to your own expectations/standards.
- Don't gossip.
- Look for the truth.
- Ask questions. Why is the other person acting this way? Find solutions.
- DO NOT accuse/attack the other person
- Let them know how you feel. "I feel/felt.... when you....", I don’t understand why you are saying that.
Sometimes it is ourselves that need to change and not the other person or people.
Sometimes we need to ask our father how to LOVE the person or people that have upset us.
If you cannot talk to the person that has hurt you...
- Write a letter to the person but do not send.
- Let out your feelings how you were hurt.
- Write about how their actions affected you.
- Ask God to take this burden and replace the pain with forgiveness and Love.
Tough Love
A lot of people talk about "Tough Love". Jesus never mentioned
this. On the contrary, Jesus spoke about patience and kindness. He
spoke about going the extra mile if they asked for an inch. He talked
about turning the other cheek. It is really tough to LOVE your enemy.
It can be tough to ask for forgiveness. Jesus did rebuke others out of
LOVE. He got very angry when somebody did something out of
self-righteousness or greed. He certainly reminded us who was in
charge.
Tough LOVE has two dimensions. To LOVE our enemies can be very
hard sometimes. Jesus asks us to make some tough decisions about how we
should be living our lives. Jesus tells us to LOVE our enemies, to give
to others without seeking reward. Jesus asks us to die to self and
freely give to others. This can be really tough to do sometimes,
especially when we have been hurt. To correct another person’s thoughts
or behaviors about what is right and wrong can also be tough for a
person NOT to do. How do we really know what to do in a situation? Do
we admonish and judge the person out of self-righteousness of
self-interest? How often do we jump to a conclusion based on our own
experience or some preconceived ideas about the person?
"14
Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in
perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in
your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in
peace. And always be thankful." (Colossians 3 14-15 NIV)
"No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is truly in our hearts." (1 John 4:1)
A personal affirmation ….
"I am of god and the Holy Spirit lives within me.
I am patient
and kind. I am not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. I do not
demand my own way. I am not irritable, and I keep no record of being
wronged. I do not rejoice about injustice but rejoice whenever the
truth wins out. I never give up, never lose faith, am always hopeful,
and endure through every circumstance." (Adapted from 1 Corinthians 13 4-7 NLT)
(Suggest putting on fridge or some other place.)
